


My Everything

by YulianaHenderson



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Arthur Pendragon Returns (Merlin), Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Sweet, but also there's a little extra gay in there eventually, eventually, imho anyway, it's mainly merthur and gaius shipping them like mad
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-18
Updated: 2021-03-25
Packaged: 2021-03-27 14:33:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,403
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30124269
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YulianaHenderson/pseuds/YulianaHenderson
Summary: When Merlin's magic is accidentally revealed to Arthur Pendragon, the only thing he can do at first is feel anger - he has been trained to feel that way since birth, hadn't he? But when he realizes that Merlin is different and that Merlin isn't like the evil sorcerers they've had to fight in the past, he comes to a shocking discovery; number 1: he's in love with Merlin, and number 2: Merlin is gone.
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Soooo this is not my first fic for this couple but the other ones were shite tbh so I don't think I'll be posting them. Had a lot of fun writing these two and hope you will enjoy reading this, too!  
> Also, this should take place somewhere in S4 considering Uther is dead and Arthur is king but Morgana isn't evil and most of our babies aren't permanently traumatized yet. Oh, and also, I wrote this as a non-native English speaker who generally writes in AE so please excuse the severe lack of 'u's and the weird 'z' instead of 's' situation okay bye. I know how BE works but I couldn't be bothered to change it all, lol.  
> Also, I don't really know when the story supposedly takes place so I just googled something and took the first thing that popped up. Late 500s, fun.

**_Camelot, the year 587_ **

Arthur felt pain, betrayal, hatred, course through him before he could well and truly control it. He was glad he wasn’t holding a sword, or else he might have done something dishonorable.

Merlin remained silent, sitting across from him, not looking at him but keeping his head aimed in the general direction of Arthur.

“When were you going to tell me?”

Merlin didn’t answer for a bit, and still didn’t meet his eyes. Arthur couldn’t identify the emotion on the younger man’s face - to be honest, there wasn’t much of any emotion at all, except perhaps shame. Arthur stood and stopped himself at the last time from kicking the nearest chair.

“We were friends, were we not?”

Arthur looked at Merlin, expecting at least some form of response. Even if it was to mock Arthur, claim that he was just a servant and nothing more. Anything that could push this conversation into any kind of direction. Arthur didn’t want to be having this conversation.

“You know how I feel about magic. As your king, I had the right to know about any form of magic in my kingdom.” Merlin’s jaw clenched, and that was about the only response that he had given since Arthur had pushed him into a chair. “Why didn’t you tell me, Merlin?”

“Because of this, my lord,” Merlin said, startling Arthur a little more than slightly, as he hadn’t expected his servant to answer. His voice was calm and collected, none of the anger that Arthur was harboring, or perhaps fear that anybody else would have shown were they confronted by their master in this way. “I couldn’t expect you to pass an objective judgment.”

“And why is that?”

Merlin finally raised his head, and that was when Arthur saw what the feeling had been that he hadn’t been able to decipher before - defeat. Before Arthur was able to register that fact and find out what it could mean, Merlin spoke again. His voice was a little louder this time, but still calm.

“Because we were friends. But also because of all the pain magic has caused you. I know your feelings on the subject. I didn’t want to put you in this situation.”

Arthur ran a hand through his hair and stifled his sigh of frustration. Yes, he and Merlin were friends, the man had admitted it himself now. Perhaps they still were, who could tell? But he had a duty to his father as his heir, and to his kingdom as their ruler, to fight against everything even remotely related to magic. 

“Have you used magic in this castle?”

Merlin paused, then firmly set his jaw. “Yes.”

“Have you used magic on me?”

“Yes.” Arthur tried his best to fight down more anger - had Merlin enchanted him? It would explain why Arthur could never seem to part from his servant, and always gave him more leeway than any of the others. Now that he knew that Merlin had used magic on him, he refused to admit that that had been his own doing.

“You enchanted me.”

“No, sire. I used magic on you to save your life.”

“Save my- Merlin, are you mad?! I’m a knight, and I’m a king! I don’t need saving!”

“I respectfully disagree, my lord. You’re indeed a capable warrior, but there have been times when-”

“I don’t have time to argue about this.”

Merlin nodded, not offended that he had been interrupted, and still not angry. If anything, Merlin seemed… defeated. It wasn’t a fleeting emotion, either, Arthur realized, as he had seen the feeling on the man’s face earlier in this conversation, too. 

Arthur fleetingly wished, and not for the first time, that he wasn’t the king of Camelot, that he hadn’t made an oath to protect Camelot and its inhabitants, especially against the threat of magic; and that Merlin wasn’t his manservant, waiting for judgment to be cast upon him by his master.

“I will leave if you order me to, sire. I will never come back to Camelot.”

And Arthur wished Merlin would call him by his first name, damn it, and drop the formalities. It made the reality of this situation even more daunting.

“I wouldn’t ask that of you, Merlin.”

“I can’t stop my magic, sire. I was born with it, I can’t turn it off. If you allow me to stay, I can’t guarantee that I will not use magic again in the future.”

Arthur nodded in understanding. He ran another hand through his hair, then lifted his goblet to his lips and took a few sips of his ale. He paced through the room, hoping it would somehow jumpstart his brain into coming up with a reasonable course of action.

He knew, logically speaking, that he couldn’t let Merlin get away with this. Arthur had taken a firm stance against magic in the past, and so had his father before him, so to let his personal manservant, who had been by his side for all these years and who had been seen as such, walk free of punishment would be a dishonor to all the sorcerers that had come before him, and all the ones that came after. Arthur had to take a stand-

But Merlin was his friend. More than that, but that was what he would settle for now. Merlin had been his servant, yes, but most of all, Merlin had been his friend and an advisor, even if Arthur had claimed that Merlin wasn’t nearly wise enough to be in such an official position. 

Then again, Merlin couldn’t appear privileged just because he was the king’s servant. 

“Leave. I’ll talk to you in the morning.”

Merlin didn’t even hesitate, didn’t protest. This wasn’t the Merlin Arthur knew - the Merlin he knew would refuse, would struggle, would tell him off and in the end, give him exactly the right idea of which direction to go into, which path to take. The Merlin he knew wouldn’t give up like this. 

Merlin didn’t even say goodnight when he left Arthur’s room that night.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your kudos and comments! Really appreciate them! Hang on because at some point, I definitely lose the plot, both literally and figuratively.

Arthur wasn’t surprised to find himself tossing and turning in his bed, being utterly incapable of catching any sleep whatsoever. Anytime he got close to it, it would be rudely interrupted by thoughts of Merlin, of his safety and his betrayal and his loyalty.

His face. The face Arthur had thrown many a pillow or goblet to. 

The face he had…

He had fallen asleep all but once that night, and when he did, the only thing that he saw was Merlin, smiling at him, calling him out, teasing him to no end, and altogether being the amazing friend that Arthur had always needed in his life. Merlin had left in that dream, never to return, and the dream version of Arthur had quickly come to realize what life would be like without Merlin by his side. He wanted no part of that and awoke in a sweat.

Arthur left his bed and returned to pacing his room until the early morning hours. It had been late at night anyway when he and Merlin had had their talk, but it still left many hours that were filled with just this, endless and endless pacing. 

Merlin couldn’t be treated any differently from any of the other sorcerers that had been prosecuted in the past, especially because Merlin was a member of the royal household, and Arthur didn’t want to send the wrong message to his people. That if you were in such a position, sorcery was allowed. 

He thought hard. Who knew that Merlin was a sorcerer to begin with? He had to guess Gaius, those two spent too much time together for it to be practically impossible for the old man not to know of Merlin’s magic. But aside from the physician, there wasn’t anyone who Arthur could think of who could logically know of this. 

Arthur hadn’t known, either, and he and Merlin had been friends. If Merlin could keep it from him, he could keep it from others just as easily. 

Merlin’s magic had been revealed to Arthur by accident, in private, when Merlin had accidentally knocked over an expensive vase that had been gifted by a powerful ally, and Merlin had caught it with his powers. It hadn’t been the floating vase that had given it away, perse, as it was dark and it would have been entirely possible that Merlin’s hand was just hidden behind the vase - it had been Merlin’s eyes that had been the true giveaway, the normally radiant blue turning a striking gold. And if the betrayal hadn’t instantly taken over, Arthur might have been lured in by how beautiful they were, even more than they usually were.

So, there was every chance that nobody knew that Merlin had magic. There was probably no reason to punish Merlin yet, not publicly, at least. This realization tempered some of the other feelings that ran freely inside his head and made him feel rather relieved. 

Strengthened by his resolve, he quickly put on his shoes and set out towards the physician’s chambers, ready to tell Merlin the news. He didn’t knock on the door, he never did, because Arthur didn’t care about Merlin’s objections and Gaius didn’t much care in general. Arthur saw the old man sitting at the little table in the middle of the room, hunched over some soup, and Gaius looked up at him with a faint smile.

“My lord, good mor-”

“Gaius, where’s Merlin?”

“Oh, I assumed he was with you, sire.”   
“Why would he be with me?”

Gaius paused, as if he slowly realized that the situation that he had presumed them to be in was different than the reality.

“He came here, I think it must have been the middle of the night. He packed a bag and left, without a word.”

“He left?”

“Yes, sire. Are you sure he didn’t come with you?”

“I stayed in my quarters all night.”

That was when reality washed over both of them at the same time. Merlin had left.

Merlin was gone.

~...~

“I want every man we have available to be on the look-out for Merlin. He can’t have gotten far, he only left a few hours ago.”

“We already scouted most of the immediate area of the castle, my lord,” Sir Leon responded. There was an air of  _ something _ hanging over his knights, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what it was, exactly. “We didn’t find anything.”

“Then you haven’t been looking hard enough. Look again.”

“My lord, with all due respect, I doubt this manhunt will amount to anything. There were no signs that Merlin left against his will. I’m sure if he wanted to be found, we would have found him by now.”

“And I’m not expecting him to want to be found, Sir Leon. You will go back out and look again, is that understood?”

It was a question, but it wasn’t really. Leon looked around him at the other knights - they all regarded him as their leader, aside from their king, as the one who was most equipped to handle strategy talks with the king and other allies. Arthur respected him greatly, but felt the anger and hurt in his heart threatening to overpower him - if Leon gave even a little bit more of a fight, Arthur wasn’t sure what he would do.

“Very well, my lord. We will inform you in case we have more news.”

Arthur nodded and dismissed them all, and watched all his brave knights leave the room until he was alone with his thoughts again. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last part of this chapter is probably one of the stupidest parts of this story, but I liked it so I left it in. You be the judge of its quality.

A fortnight had passed, and there was no sign of Merlin anywhere in the kingdom, and Arthur was certain his knights had looked properly. It was inconceivable that Merlin couldn’t be found, the idiot was a terrible liar and even worse at being inconspicuous, but it appeared that he had disappeared into thin air.

Well, he was a sorcerer. Perhaps that was something he could do?

“And you’re certain he didn’t say anything before he left?” Arthur asked, taking a careful sip of the stew in front of him. Gaius had an awful habit of preparing his stews just a tad bit too hot, and Arthur had burned his mouth more than once before. 

Gaius seemed to reach for every bit of patience in his being before responding. Arthur knew what he would say before he said it, but he couldn’t stop the question from leaving his lips, even this time.

“I have told you before, sire, and I will tell you again - Merlin packed a bag and left without a word.”   
“I can’t believe he would do such a thing. Why would he leave without saying goodbye to you?”

Gaius raised an eyebrow in disbelief, then focused back on his bowl of stew.

“I can’t believe he wouldn’t say goodbye to  _ you _ , sire. What happened between the two of you?”

Arthur remained silent and tried his best to avert Gaius’ eyes. But it was simply impossible, the man was too wise and all-knowing to ignore for too long.

“Did you find out about his magic?”

Arthur quickly took another sip of the stew and damn near burned his mouth again when he forgot to blow on it. He dropped the spoon in his bowl and coughed loudly, as if he was trying personally to cough the subject away. 

He and Gaius had gotten a bit closer since Merlin’s disappearance, but there were still certain topics that they couldn’t touch upon. The reason for Merlin’s absence being one of them.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Gaius,” is what Arthur chose to settle with when he regained his composure. Gaius saw right through him, of course.

“Was it the magic, sire?”

Arthur nodded. He couldn’t keep any secrets from Gaius, which is why, in some odd way, he found some comfort in the knowledge that Merlin’s magic had been known to the old man, too, and that Merlin might find some comfort from that. 

“In that case... I’m sorry. I cannot begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now.”

Gaius had a way with words that would prompt a person into telling exactly what was bothering them, and otherwise, it was his intense stare that would do the trick. Arthur didn’t want to begin to fathom how many secrets from the people currently in the castle he was keeping.

“Betrayed, most of all. Angry. He knew how I feel about magic and yet he decided to keep it from me.”

Gaius pushed his bowl to the side, only a little bit of the stew remaining in it. He folded his hands together above the spot where the bowl had just been.

“What do you think might be the reason for that?”

“What do you mean, Gaius?”

“Why do you think Merlin would elect not to tell you? I know you trusted each other with your lives. Merlin has shown plenty of times he would be willing to do anything for you, hasn’t he? He’s extremely loyal to you.”

“What is your point?”

“My point, sire, is that the reason Merlin chose not to tell you is that he was afraid of what your reaction would be if you found out.” Gaius paused and took in all of Arthur that was sitting across from him right now, complete with the overly clean clothes because his new servant was too eager and too good at his job. “I’m afraid, he might not have been wrong, in that regard.”

Gaius didn’t say anything else for a while after that, allowing Arthur to fully register what the old man had said.

Perhaps Gaius was right. It had crossed Arthur’s mind before, and Merlin had shown a little bit of this, too, the last time they had talked. Arthur had never been secretive about what he would do with sorcerers - in fact, he had made it pretty public where he stood on things. It was no wonder Merlin was scared of what Arthur would do, should he ever find out that he was a sorcerer, too.

Arthur had trusted Merlin with his life, even if he would never have said something like that out loud, that wasn’t who they were. But it seemed that Merlin didn’t trust him in the same way, not with his entire life. And Arthur could see why Merlin would shield such a powerful, yet vulnerable and dangerous part of himself from Arthur’s view.

“I wouldn’t have hurt him.”

“I know that. I don’t know if Merlin knew that, however.”

“I’ve never made it a secret that I cared about him. I wouldn’t have hurt him, Gaius, I… I can’t even understand why he would think that I would.”

“Sire, if I may… There have been countless people with magic that you have had executed in the past, many of them were friends of Merlin. I understand he tried to talk you out of every single one of them and you didn’t listen. I understand you cared about Merlin, still do, but don’t you think it would be a little hard for Merlin to believe that you wouldn’t have him executed if you ever found out that he has magic, too?”

Gaius was right, of course. And Arthur had been an idiot.

“Sire, Merlin has been tasked with keeping you safe, so you can one day build a great kingdom where magic would not only be allowed but respected and revered. Your destinies go hand in hand, as two sides of the same coin. Merlin knew this and has always taken his duty very seriously, even if he didn’t agree most times. He had hoped that in time, you would see that magic can be used for good, too.”

“So why did he leave? If he was tasked with my safety, why did he go?”

“I imagine because he feared for his life.”

It felt like a dagger was stabbed right in Arthur’s heart - it was the truth. From the moment they had met, they had never been on equal footing, and Arthur had always pretended that they were, that Merlin was his equal. They weren’t - not only was Merlin his servant, and of common birth, but Merlin was a sorcerer, too, a natural sworn enemy of the Pendragons. Neither Arthur nor his father had ever made it a secret what they would do with anyone who meddled with magic, no matter their social standing. Merlin had known that, and yet he had still protected Arthur with his life, had been by his side as his loyal servant and friend… friend. 

“I have been an idiot, Gaius.”

“I would agree, sire.”

Arthur rested his head in his hands, covering his face. 

Merlin had always done whatever he could to make sure that Arthur was not only safe but also cared for, heard,  _ loved _ , in their way. And all that time, Merlin had known that if Arthur would find out about his true identity, that he would be burning on the stake without so much as a second thought.

Nobody had ever done that for Arthur. Nobody had ever cared about him in that way, so selflessly, without regard to their own safety. Arthur didn’t deserve to have someone like Merlin in his life.

“You’re sure you don’t know where he went?”

“I can never be sure, of course, but I have an inkling of his whereabouts.”

Arthur lowered his hands and stared at the physician.

“And when were you planning on telling me?”

Gaius shrugged, and pulled his bowl of stew back, to resume where he had left off. 

“Merlin is like a son to me, Arthur. I couldn’t give up his location knowing you would only storm there to drag him back and execute him.”

Arthur looked at Gaius as the old man ate his stew, pretending he hadn’t just set loose a shitstorm in Arthur’s brain. 

“Where is he?”

“Will you promise not to hurt him?”

Arthur would never hurt Merlin, not if he had a say in it. Merlin meant more to him than Arthur was comfortable admitting, and his heart knew of his true feelings and had always guided him through life with Merlin, doing what it thought was right, what was necessary to keep Merlin close and safe. 

Perhaps his heart had always known that Arthur loved Merlin.

Gaius looked at him, again looking straight into Arthur’s soul. It was a gift that only Gaius seemed to possess, and right now, Arthur was glad he had confided in him.

“Ealdor.”

They resumed their meal in silence, leaving Arthur to register all the things he had come to realize at that moment. 

~...~

Gaius had been young, once upon a time. Some people might not believe it, but he had been in love, too. He could still clearly remember her, as if he had only seen her yesterday and not two decades ago. He had been a bit ridiculous about it himself, and they had nearly gotten married, if life hadn’t gotten in the way. 

But seeing Arthur now, the boy he had seen grow up since the day he was born, the boy who had grown into the fine and fair King he was today, he realized that his own love story was nothing compared to that of Arthur and Merlin’s.

Because by the gods, Arthur was completely, head-over-heels in love with Merlin, and he didn’t even truly realize it yet. Gaius could see it clear as day. First, in the way Arthur had kept Merlin on board as his manservant, even though everybody, including Merlin himself, knew he could be a lousy manservant at best. Every time Merlin suggested Arthur should get a different manservant, Arthur had been rather offended, and every time, it had been completely in public with every watching and wondering when these two would finally recognize the signs.

Another clear indication was that Arthur was generally meaner to Merlin than he was to anybody else. He always called Merlin names, hit him in the arm or the back of the head - but whenever somebody else tried the same thing, Arthur would instantly protect Merlin and stand up for him. He likely did it without much conscious thought, however.

The last indicator was Arthur’s behavior right now. Merlin had been gone for about a fortnight, and Gaius missed the boy, too, but Arthur was incapable of functioning properly without knowing where Merlin was, or whether he was safe. If Gaius didn’t think Arthur was a complete idiot, he would find it rather… adorable.

And he knew Merlin felt the same way - he knew, without the boy having told him, that it was one of the main reasons why he had left in the first place. Not only because he was certain that Arthur would have him executed, but also because he knew Arthur would look at him differently, and that he couldn’t bear the thought of anything changing between them.

Or, that’s what Gaius figured he was thinking. He was no mind reader, after all. He knew Merlin, though, and he knew Arthur.

Oh, yes. They were madly in love. Gaius knew the consequences it could bring, knew how many people thought about this topic, but somehow he felt like Merlin and Arthur would try their best to make this work.

He looked from his window as Arthur left at first light, barely having had time to sleep properly. Gaius hid a secret smile. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I forgot to mention that this story eventually gets a little darker and sadder, but for now, we can focus on the sweetness of these two. Because I want to believe that if they had ever been able to court, it would have been sweet and loving, with a lot of banter like it was before.  
> Also, this chapter is longer than the previous ones, but I couldn't really split it up. So, here you go!

He set out as soon as he possibly could, trying not to let anyone know that he was leaving but knowing it wouldn’t go completely unnoticed that the king would suddenly leave late at night without any of his knights to aid him.

Not that they hadn’t tried to convince him that they should come with him and assist and protect him wherever they could. He had dismissed them with a flick of his hand - this was something he needed to do, alone. For Merlin’s sake, and the young man’s safety. Not only that - Ealdor was in King Lot’s kingdom, and Arthur entering those regions would be cause for concern, because he and King Lot were not on good terms.

He gathered his most inconspicuous clothes, his standard cloak without the Pendragon crest, wanting to remain as anonymous as possible. 

The ride to Ealdor was about a day and a half on horseback, but Arthur made it in a day without stopping. All the way there, he had ample time to think about what his feelings were, about what he was thinking, about what he wanted.

Merlin was a sorcerer, alright. He had lied to Arthur, that was another fact. But Merlin was still his friend and Arthur still cared about the man, couldn’t help it. Merlin had always been loyal to him, had always made sure that he was safe and looked after, and Arthur saw that now. He had mistreated Merlin a lot in their days together, and that kind of behavior was completely misplaced and actually, rather unfair. Merlin deserved so much more than that.

But an hour or two after he had realized that Merlin was his friend, his heart had taken over for a moment or two and had briefly shown what Merlin  _ actually _ was to Arthur. The realization both scared and comforted him. He didn’t know what to do with the feelings but decided to lock them away for later assessment. He very much doubted that he would return to it any time soon.

When Arthur knew he was almost there, he had made up his mind. He would respect Merlin’s wishes if he wanted to stay in Ealdor, and he would leave the man in peace should that be the case. But the least that Merlin deserved was an apology, and a sign of gratitude because Arthur was that - he was sorry, and he was grateful for all the help Merlin had provided him over the years.

It had started raining shortly before he had walked into Ealdor, the horse on a leash by his side, and the downpour was so heavy he was soaked down to his bones within seconds. He looked on as the villagers tried their best to keep the rain out of their homes, bring the clean laundry inside, usher their children into the warm cocoons their small hearths provided them. 

Arthur knew where he was going, but his feet were not cooperating. He stood on the outskirts of the tiny village and watched the streets empty out, except one figure, who had chosen now of all times to go out and tend the pigs. Arthur was cold because of the rain, his wet clothes sticking to his skin, but seeing the skinny, tall figure in the far distance warmed him from the inside out, made his heart flutter dangerously in his chest.

Merlin looked up at the sky, raindrops pelting down on his face, then cracked a little smile and turned his head, looking in the exact direction where Arthur was standing. It sent shockwaves through his body - had Merlin known that Arthur was here? Had he felt his presence? But then Merlin slapped one of the pigs lovingly and shook his head, ridding his hair of the raindrops that had gathered there, before continuing to the next house to lend his services. 

Arthur took in a deep breath. He had come all this way, not just to see Merlin feed his mother’s pigs and then return home. 

He left his horse at the edge of the village and made for the little house, hesitating before knocking on the door a few times. There was an answer within seconds, Hunith opening the door, and Arthur watched as shock washed over her.

“Your Majesty! I- What-”

“Please, Hunith, we know each other. You can call me Arthur.”

Hunith frowned at him as if she was wondering whether he had already caught a bug or something, but then smiled and waved for him to step inside. She instantly took off his cloak and began offering him a drink, food, anything she had at her disposal.

“Hunith, is Merlin here?”

Her mood shifted immediately, and her smile dropped significantly. She clasped her hands together and averted her eyes. She returned to the kettle she had put on the fire, keeping the silence for a while, before turning back around.

“I told him you would come around,” she said, quietly. “You’re a good man.”

“You think too highly of me.”

She shook her head, and a small smile spread across her face. “Merlin is an excellent judge of character. If he approves of someone, then they’re good.”

She seemed to remember that both of them were still standing, and forced Arthur onto a nearby stool, peeling off the first layer of tunic, and he knew he should protest because this wasn’t what anybody was supposed to do to him, undress him, but this was Hunith, Merlin’s mother, and she mattered a great deal to him, too.

When she was satisfied he wasn’t weighed down by wet clothes, she made him sit in front of the fire on the ground, so he could be closer, and put a blanket around his shoulders, then pushed a cup of some unfamiliar drink in his hands. He watched her move around the house, realizing he was intruding on something he shouldn’t have been - she had shown the previous times he had come here that she lived to serve and care for people, and that he was here was imposing on her kindness.

She pulled up the stool and sat down slightly behind him to the side, a smaller blanket wrapped around her own shoulders. He refused then - he shrugged the blanket that was over his shoulders off and carefully draped it over her legs. She smiled at him and raised her cup to her lips.

“I’m sorry you had to find out this way, sire,” she said quietly. “But you have to know, Merlin would never use magic to hurt you, or anybody for that matter. I know I’m biased, seeing as I’m his mother, but he has only ever used magic for good. It’s why I had to send him off to Camelot in the first place because he was arousing too much suspicion going around the village helping everybody out. He didn’t understand that showing magic could get him killed.” She paused, averted her eyes briefly, but then returned them to meet his. “He cares about you, a lot, sire. I have never seen him dedicate so much to anybody before, not even the villagers here. He would do anything to keep you safe, and he would never expect any credit for it. He’s not that kind of man. He would do it all in secrecy, and he would have continued like that, were it not for the fact that, well… you did find out.”

“Hunith…”

“Arthur, I understand. He kept things from you, that perhaps you feel you deserved to hear. But people who have magic, they’re not safe in your kingdom, nor this one. He kept the truth from you because he knew what the consequence would be if you found out. I understand you feel hurt or betrayed, I do understand. But Merlin never meant to hurt you, ever. He cares too much about you for that.”

Arthur was about to say more, voice some of the feelings that had dared knock on the doors leading out of his heart when the door opened, and the wind briefly forced some of the rain inside, before it was closed again. Arthur had forgotten to breathe for a second or two.

Merlin stood in front of the door, looking at the sight in front of him. Neither spoke a word. Arthur had trouble reading the young man, always having been able to read him like a children’s book, and yet now, there were only empty pages. Before, Merlin would have smiled at him, very brightly, when he could rest his eyes on Arthur, and it had always puzzled and, yes,  _ comforted _ Arthur to be greeted in that way, even if he had pestered Merlin about it constantly.

But now, those blue eyes didn’t sparkle at him, and the lips stayed straight.

Merlin bowed slightly, and Arthur’s heart broke. Had truly everything between them been broken?

“Your Majesty.”

The silence stretched on for longer than Arthur felt comfortable with. He heard Hunith get up and replace the blanket around Arthur’s shoulders.

“I think I will go help Niver,” she announced quietly, to no one in particular, and gathered her travel cloak before leaving the house and the two current occupants in silence. Arthur had seen her reaching for Merlin’s hand and squeezing it before she had left. 

Merlin eventually moved from his frozen spot near the door and shook out the raindrops from his hair again before he poured himself water from the kettle and took the seat his mother had occupied shortly before.

“Merlin-”   
“Don’t, Arthur. Just… don’t say anything.”

Arthur remained silent because he didn’t want to ruin things more than he already had, and watched Merlin sip his water in silence.

All this silence, Arthur didn’t know what to do with it. Not only was the castle always full of sounds, even at night, but he had also always had the presence of Merlin, who had been incapable of shutting up at the worst of times. Of course, it had to be exactly that person who refused to say anything right now. 

“Can you show me something?”

“Show you what?”

“Your magic. What can you do?”

Arthur caught Merlin’s very subtle eye roll, but also saw the small smile spreading on the man’s lips. He hesitated briefly, before setting his cup down on the ground beside his feet and putting his hands together. He whispered something unintelligible, his eyes flashed bright gold, and when he opened his hands, a butterfly escaped from between them. Arthur was awed like a child might be at some magic trick from a court jester, but he knew this was no trick, and knew this was real. 

“That’s just a brief summary.”

“I’m sorry, Merlin,” Arthur blurted out, putting his cup on the ground too and sitting up on his legs facing Merlin. “You were trying to tell me so many times that magic can be used for good and I refused to listen. Even when you revealed to me that you have magic, I instinctively became angry, and... and disgusted, because it’s what I was taught and it’s how I was raised. I’ve never seen magic be used for anything but evil, but… you have magic. And you’re the kindest person I have ever known. I should have known you were speaking the truth, and that you were trying to tell me something important. I should have listened. For that, I’m truly sorry. I’m aware I caused you pain with my actions, especially with regards to other sorcerers, and I apologize for that, too.”

“Sire?”

“Yes?”

“For all the times you’ve told me to shut up, you never learned the skill yourself, either.”

“Shut up, Merlin.”

For a brief moment, they both smiled, because this was familiar to them, they knew this. But there was so much more that was suddenly there that hadn’t been there before - or, well, in Arthur’s case, it had been there but had been ignored for the most part. 

Their smiles fell when they both realized the reality that they were in.

“Merlin, I… I’m truly sorry, for everything. I am aware that you left because you were afraid that I would hurt you, and I can’t fault you for feeling that way. I have acted that way, in the past, and… I recognize now that that was wrong of me. I’m sorry.”

Merlin looked at him, truly  _ looked _ at him, resembling Gaius more than the two would ever possibly realize themselves, then reached down and picked up his cup again. 

“Thank you. It means a lot to me that you’re saying this.” He sipped his water, then a smile pulled on Merlin’s lips again. “If this is just a long-winded way of asking me to come back and wash your dirty laundry again, you’ll have to try harder than that.”

“... and polish my armor and muck out my horses, but no, that’s not why I’m here.”

Merlin smiled first at the familiarity of their bantering, but then realized what the sentence had ended with. He frowned.

“Then why are you here?”

“Just… to tell you that I’m sorry. That you have a place in my kingdom, in my household, if you want. That you’re welcome.”

Merlin seemed to consider it, but then simply nodded his head politely.

“I appreciate the offer, sire, but I think I can be of more use here. At least, for the moment.”

Arthur would be lying if he said that the rejection didn’t hurt at least a little bit, but he had told himself that he would respect Merlin’s decision, no matter which direction that would lead. So if Merlin wanted to stay here and help out his mother, then Arthur would not be the one to deny him that pleasure.

“Alright. I understand. Thank you, for listening to me anyway.”

Merlin nodded. “Of course. You probably would have forced me to listen even if I didn’t want to.”

“Damn straight.”

They both smiled, and it warmed Arthur’s heart so much to know someone like Merlin, to have his friendship and his attention and his respect, something that was so hard to come by and something that had just one day appeared on Arthur’s doorstep, disrespecting him like no other and making Arthur feel like a normal human being, and not the king’s son. He had needed that.

Most of all, he was happy that he’d had the pleasure of falling in love with Merlin, something that he had not expected someone like him would ever be granted, but from the day they had met, Merlin had unleashed something inside of Arthur, something unfamiliar and yet oddly comforting. Merlin had never treated Arthur like the prince that he was, not even when Arthur warned him he probably should. He had always treated Arthur like an equal, as a peer, with great advice and moral support and the occasional bump in the shoulder or slap against the back of his head - well, Merlin’s head, that was. 

Arthur had appreciated that type of connection, had cherished that. He hadn’t wanted Merlin to change, ever, and he was glad to know that Merlin probably would never change. Even when Arthur was crowned king, Merlin was back to his normal behavior within a day or so, calling him out on his shit and overall being the amazing and kind person that he was. 

Why did it have to be him, though? Why did Arthur have to have fallen in love with Merlin? Why did his heart see the friendship they had, and demand that that change, that they should throw their friendship into the winds, something that he had treasured for so long and found to be one of the most valuable things he owned?

“I, uh… admit, I’m aware I’m imposing, but would I be too much of a bother if I stayed here for the night?”

Merlin smiled and stood, collecting their empty cups and rinsing them in a tub of water before replacing them on their intended storage spot. He wiped his hands on a rag and turned back around.

“Not at all. You can have my bed.”

“No way. No. I’ll sleep on the floor.”

Merlin’s face was a picture as he was flabbergasted, raising both eyebrows in surprise, then laughing. “You? Sleep on the floor? Did you catch a cold or something?”

"What are you talking about? I just want you to be rested, is all."

Merlin scoffed. "Don't know the last time I could rest."

It was meant as a joke, to continue their line of teasing and bantering that had always been present in their friendship, but the reality of what Merlin had just readily admitted under the guise of banter suddenly pulled at Arthur’s heart.

"And that's because of me."

Merlin looked at him as if it took him a little while to register what Arthur had been saying, and then whether he was serious. Then, he just raised an eyebrow.

"What? What do you mean?"

Arthur chose not to answer it, but kept his eyes on Merlin for a minute longer, before averting them and changing the subject.

"So, is there anything I can help with? Cook? Clean?"

It was meant to be funny, but Merlin wasn't laughing. There wasn’t even that sweet grin on his face.

"Arthur, are you alright?" When Arthur didn't answer, Merlin took a step closer. "Because you offering to cook and/or clean really has me worried."

Arthur felt the pull in his heart that he had always hidden deep down and ignored, and wondered why finding out about Merlin's magic would change everything. It shouldn't have, but it had.

Arthur eventually laughed off Merlin's comment, reassuring the younger man for a little bit. They continued in silence, and Merlin showed him how to wash some clothes, cook a stew - and Arthur felt ashamed that he looked at Merlin with love and adoration and a clear feeling of longing. Merlin was just his friend, he deserved a friend back.

Hunith was only too happy to accommodate Arthur, she had always liked him, and diffused some of the tension that was slowly building between the two men. She left that topic alone and focused instead on discussing some less important topics, like how the rain would be good for the crops and how Niver's cow was probably expecting. Arthur liked the distraction and joined in the conversation happily.

Merlin made Arthur's bed on the floor later that night, just some hay relocated to form a make-shift mattress, and a blanket folded up a couple of times to form a pillow. The house was small, and therefore, the three of them lying rather close, Arthur in the middle between the two beds. Arthur looked at Merlin as they settled on their beds, trying his best to remain at what had always been between them, but finding it increasingly harder to ignore it.

"I'm still the same person, you know," Merlin said into the silence and darkness, after Hunith had started snoring softly indicating that she was asleep. 

"Hmm?"

"I might feel like a different person because you didn't know this side of me before. But it's still me."

"I know."

"Then why does everything feel different, Arthur? Why do you look at me so… so weirdly? Why are you so nice to me, all of a sudden?"

"You don't want me to be nice?"

Arthur heard Merlin sit up straight, and did the same, turning so they could look at each other. It was mostly dark in the little house save for the moonlight shining through the few windows, and they cast shadows on Merlin’s face.

"You know what I mean."

Arthur had a feeling he did - he felt the same way. But the revelation about Merlin's true identity, plus the sudden realization that Arthur had feelings for Merlin that weren't entirely covered by 'friendship', made it confusing and rather terrifying to think of what they were now and that how they had usually acted might be out of reach now.

"Arthur, I…" Arthur saw Merlin look over to his mother, then the man got up and reached for Arthur's hand to help him get up. Of course, Arthur's treacherous heart fluttered wildly at the contact. "Walk with me."

They walked in silence and passed Arthur’s horse, and Arthur made sure that she was still alright before they ventured into the forest. They didn't go too far, just far enough to not be able to see the village anymore.

"Talk to me," Merlin said eventually. He sat down on a log and invited Arthur to do the same. It wasn't very much lighter out here, even though the moonlight had less trouble illuminating both their faces. The rain had reduced some of the heat that had covered this area during the day, and it was a little chilly, but nothing Arthur couldn't bear.

"I… I don't know what to say."

Merlin looked at him intently, and again,  _ looked _ at him - was this a magic thing, enabling users to look into someone's very soul? Or was this purely about Merlin simply being a kind and compassionate human being?

"What do you think of, you know… my magic?"

Merlin sounded so uncharacteristically vulnerable all of a sudden. He could be a self-righteous prick a lot of the time, but Merlin knew what he could do and what he was capable of.

Arthur remembered his revelation when he had set off for Camelot - Arthur had proclaimed war on everybody who practiced magic, and Merlin was one of those people. They were friends, but there had been countless times when Arthur had treated him as just any other servant, positively, but negatively, too.

"Are you scared of me?"

That was when Arthur was prompted into speech. 

"What? Have I ever given you the impression that I am, Merlin? If anything, I'm scared  _ for _ you, I want you to be safe, and… it's a strange world we live in. And I'm aware I have not done a lot to make it any better, and I will. I will make things better for you, Merlin, because you're my best friend, and you matter to me, and…"

_...I'm in love with you. _

"You shouldn't have to change all that for me, though," Merlin argued, voice quiet, but it almost sounded like there was a fight in there all the same.

"Why not for you, Merlin? You are the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, much less loving. It is you who made me realize that magic is not evil in and of itself, it's the user who makes it so. If there's anyone who should contribute to a huge step in the right direction, it's you. You matter to me, Merlin. I want to make life better for you.  _ You _ . If that means things are better for my people, even better. But it's your happiness and wellbeing that I put above anyone else's."

Arthur's hands were shaking for some reason, as if even telling Merlin these words was a relief in itself, but it was true, and Merlin deserved to hear it. He deserved to get recognition and praise for all the things he had done to protect Arthur and Camelot, and which had previously gone unnoticed because of some stupid rule created by Arthur's father.

"But why, Arthur? Why do you care so much about me? I'm just a servant."

The shaking took hold of Arthur, his nerves frayed and took in a deep breath before he spoke. Merlin deserved nothing but the truth, especially after everything he's had to go through because of something that wasn't even his fault.

"Because I love you, Merlin, you dollop head. You've never been just a servant to me."

Arthur looked at Merlin, trying to get a read of him - trying to find something that would match the emotion that was no doubt showing on his own face. Arthur was slowly unraveling. 

"I…"

"I, uh… never talked about it. Didn't even think about it, really. I guess I… I know nothing can ever come from it, but… I… I love you. And that's what's changed, because I always loved you in secret, even in secrecy from myself. But now, after everything that's happened, I've come to realize that I love you."

Merlin looked at him, held his gaze, and Arthur wondered what Merlin was feeling. Why was Merlin suddenly such a closed book, while he had always been so easy to read?

When Merlin looked away, pulled up his legs so he could rest his arms on his knees, Arthur would give anything to know what was going on inside that pretty head of his. But he would give Merlin all the space that he needed, because he was certain he had surprised the man already by showing up at his mother’s doorstep unannounced, seeing how they had parted ways only a fortnight ago.

“I need to think about this, Arthur,” Merlin said quietly when he had made up his mind. He looked at Arthur, didn’t avoid his gaze at all, and it had to account for something. Even if Arthur’s treacherous heart was already telling him to assume the worst - he had to have faith that Merlin wouldn’t hurt him, not with this. Merlin was a good person.

“I understand.”

They walked back to Merlin’s childhood home in silence, both no doubt going over their thoughts and feelings and recapping what had happened that day. There was too much for Arthur to register, and yet the only thing that he seemed to focus on was that Merlin hadn’t completely pushed him away - he hadn’t scoffed, he hadn’t laughed, he hadn’t said anything negative at all. He hadn’t downright rejected him, even if it briefly felt that way. If Merlin didn’t feel the same way at all, he would have let Arthur down gently, kindly, and not leave him hanging like this.

It served to spread hope through Arthur’s chest, even if he knew it was unprompted and totally unreasonable.

They slipped back into their beds, and Arthur was certain he would not be able to sleep at all that night, if only for the rampant thoughts that were running wildly through his head. It was further encouraged for him to lay awake all night when he felt Merlin’s hand reach out for his, and the younger man interlocked them, brushing the top of Arthur’s hand with his thumb - Arthur looked at that sight the rest of the night, even if it was dark. Eventually, Merlin fell asleep, Arthur could see it in the steady rise and fall of his chest, but their hands remained entwined, and it confirmed exactly how much Arthur loved Merlin.

Too much for comfort, but he wouldn’t give it up for the world.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this, don't be shy and leave me a comment or kudo, I live on them! Thanks!


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